Spousal Chatter (In the Garden)

**Originally written July, 2012**

Bigger than a bridal bouquet

I was out front watering my flowers in the garden, when Hubs came home from the hospital and pulled into the driveway.

After parking the car in the garage, he came back out to say hello and make a close inspection of my and our gardner's work.

He approved of the work, complimenting my green thumb. As he was heading back inside the house, he paused at our juniper...

"Oh, look! He shaved your bush."

Spousal Chatter: My Homecoming

 You really must read I Effed My Husband Real Good for the background story to this post.

After spending all night wrestling with a restless dog (really, the dog-- not Doc H) in my bed, waking up at 5:30 am, cleaning the vacation home all day until 3pm, and driving 215 miles home in the pimp mobile (a 1997 minivan with gold rims, the most stylish black bra you've ever seen, and a tear the size of Texas in the leather of the driver's side seat) with two dogs, two kids, a box of Red Vines and a frozen, organic, free range ham (don't ask), we finally arrived home to an empty house at 7:30 pm. Doc H was still at the hospital. We hadn't seen him since Sunday morning and have hardly spoken on the phone.

I put the dogs out in the yard and noticed all my flowers and plants have fainted from lack of a clear liquid simply called water. I opened the hose to quench their thirst.

Twenty minutes roll by and a tasmanian devil spins through the front door, and house, and out the back door to our yard only stopping his wreckless spinning to utter in disbelief...

"AGH!!! I just got called to ANOTHER emergency! Hrmpffffff. I GOTTA GO!"

Me: "Ummmmm....... hi?"

Spousal Chatter {Drive Thru}

Running three hours behind on our road trip, Hubs and I decide to run through a drive-thru. We don't do fast food often, so we really don't know how or what to order. Since Hubs had only slept about 10 hours out of the last 72 hours, I was driving.

Obesity Pusher (OP): Welcome to "We Feed You Pink Slime and Fill Your Arteries with Plaque Build UP". May I take your order?
Me: I'll have a mini-meal.
OP: Which one?
Me: Cheeseburger.
OP: We only have a double cheeseburger mini-meal.
Me: Uhhh, okay, but no mayo. With a plain iced tea, please.
OP: Will you be ordering anything else today?
Me: (to Hubs) What do you want?
Hubs: (half asleep in passenger seat) Get me a #11.
Me: (to OP) I need a #11.
OP: Would you like to up that to a large?
Hubs: (to me, very emphatically and disgusted) NO! That's a heart stopper! (he's awake now)
OP: Excuse me?
Me: (to OP) No, no. No large!
OP: What drink would you like with that?

I turn to Hubs and he quickly yells across me, "I'll have an M&M McFlurry with that!"

Heart Stopper.

Spousal Chatter {Morsels}

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A very rare event took place last night– Hubs and I both went to bed very early.  In our home, that can only mean one thing. Neither of us were feeling well. We had caught #3's cooties.

So, there, laid flat on our backs, sheets up to our necks, sore throats, stuffy noses, croaky voices, and hearing stifled thanks to head congestion, I had a craving.

I say, "I want cake or cookies."

Hubs perks up a bit, and clears his sore throat to question what he just heard, "You want a quickie?"

Rolling my eyes and full of disbelief and sarcasm I retort, "I WANT CAKE OR COOKIES! Yeah. With all this (motioning to my head) going on, I want a quickie!"

"Well that's what I thought you said." He paused to cough and think. Then, he did something he really shouldn't have done. He should know by now. Despite phlegm, he tried to be cute. "Well, I do have some morsels for you."

"Yeah, but they're tiny."

**Badda-bing!! Put one more up on the scoreboard for me!!**