When Bio-Mom Gets Under Your Skin

I hate it when I allow Bio Mom to get under my skin.

She recently eloped with her third fiancé. She is still putting her best foot forward by working a low paying, commission-only job.  In the eyes of her new husband, she is a woman who is trying to get on her feet. 

We know better.  Over the past ten years, I've personally witnessed and watched her charade of reeling in a guy, getting comfortable with him, letting her guard down (by finding any excuse to not work) and watching the relationship unravel. This time, she sealed the deal before she ramped down her work schedule.

Because she "works", and I simply work from home (mind you I'm now working two jobs via telecommuting from home), she has managed to push all of our youngest son's weekday driving responsibilities on me. 

Fine. I agreed to do it. Why, you ask? Because, I fully understand our son would not be afforded any after school extra-curriculars if I was not the one to drive him. The fact that I have two kids at home (one mine, one hers), and the two oldest college kids (both hers) come by my house almost everyday to eat, don't mean anything to her. She is now only responsible for one, and it is still too much for her.

Fine. I do it all. I do it without any credit. She will not allow him to sleep over at our house during the week. That would lower her child support payment. Instead, I drive him to all his practices and tutoring. I correct all his homework. I make sure he has everything he needs for school the next day. I feed him. And then, she picks him up to take him back to her house so he can go to bed and drops him off at school in the morning. I take care of the rest.

Never has she ever offered to help me out by offering to pay a tank of gas. Never has she offered to drive my daughter anywhere in a gesture of reciprocation. 

I've only set one guideline: I cannot drive our son on Thursdays. My daughter has her own after-school classes which require a very long commute. I cannot be in two places at once.

We've spoken of this, both in person and on the phone. We've emailed and texted about this. Bio-Mom has agreed to make sure she's available to drive on Thursdays. 

So, I find this morning's text very irritating:

Morning, [our son] took his tutoring binder with him today. If you can get him to tutoring I will pick him up. Thank you!

Maybe, to the outsider, it looks benign. But, to me it is so indicative of her character. 

1. She assumes I'll pick him up

2. She assumes I'll rearrange my schedule

3. She doesn't acknowledge today is my difficult day or our agreement

4. She doesn't apologize for asking, knowing I cannot drive on Thursdays

Here's the text I would've sent if I found myself in the same predicament:

Hi, StepMom. I realize today is Thursday, but I find myself in a bind. I was wondering if you'd be able to help out this once and drive Son to tutoring. I am so sorry for the inconvenience. I've tried rescheduling and was unsuccessful. If I can ever repay the favor, please don't hesitate to ask! 

A little tact and carefully chosen words go a long way.

Pathway to Divorce: Activities Couples Should Avoid

** Originally written in July, 2012*

My relationship with Hubs is a solid one. I love him and the thought of losing my beloved scares all bodily fluids out of me. However, there are some activities even the most dedicated and in love couples should not do together... because simply put, they are the pathway to divorce.

Hang wall paper. My parents almost got divorced over this twenty-six years ago. You can imagine their disappointment when my high school boyfriend decided he should play "butt-pinball" will my baby brother thrown over his shoulder and he bounced my brother's ass off the walls and ultimately straight through the wall and the wallpaper.

Shop for Televisions. Forget about what type to buy. Plasma, LED, LCD... is that even right? I don't know and frankly, my Dear, I don't give a damn. Just get me a tv that is the right size. This is probably the only time you will hear me say, "Smaller is better" unless we're talking about tumors or my dress size, of course.

Assembling Anything. Here it is people. Avoid the AA of marriage. Just don't do it. It'll never come out right and you'll always have extra parts left over. In case your married to a doc too, here's a friendly piece of advice... Don't look at the extra screws in your hand and ask your doctor Hubs if he finds himself with extra parts after surgery. Just don't do it.

Move furniture. Specifically, move furniture upstairs. You have a bad back and your wonderbrain husband tells you, you don't have to "lift" you just have to "slide" the furniture "up" the stairs. You say things don't "slide" up; they slide "down". He say's he'll do the pushing, you just "guide". You see him tilt the damn thing on it's side and you KNOW with CERTAINTY this shananigan will end disastrously. Something is going to break or get damaged...your back, his back, the dresser, the newly textured and painted walls, the new hardwood flooring, stairs, banister, a combo, or quite possibly everthing in its path. You bitch, you moan, you groan, you give the stink eye, you hiss and piss all over this stupid brainchild of your husband. But you unwillingly participate, because if you don't and it all goes to hell, you'll be blamed for your lack of help. You hate him at the bottom of the stairs... and you absolutely detest him at the top of the stairs because, DAMMIT to hell! It worked. Like a charm. But you decide to be mad anyways....because, it was a stupid idea and it should not have worked.

A Divorce Tale: When Your Teen Daughter Modifies Her Custody Agreement

Once again, we're in transition. My daughter, D3, has decided to modify her custody agreement by moving home for good. I am over-joyed to say the very, very least! Up to this point, she has lived a shared custody agreement. On paper, it's been 50/50. In reality, it's something else. If you're divorced or a step-parent, you know what I'm talking about.

I am proud of D3. She has found her voice. She has found her strength. I understand all too well how difficult her father can be and how scary it must have been for her to broach the subject with her father. Apparently, after the short conversation, he said nothing. She could tell he was mad (most likely hurt). He immediately dropped her off at my home. That was it.

Years ago, my girlfriends who grew up in divorced families all predicted this would happen. They have lived D3's life and collectively agreed one home in high school was best for both them and the custodial parent. They only had to check in with one parent, and didn't have to consult a custody schedule to make social plans with friends. Moreover, they confessed it was harder to get away with teen nonsense. They found they couldn't play each parent off one another or find a way to "slip through the cracks" to go out with friends when one parent said "no". In hindsight, all my girlfriends agreed one home in high school was for the best. 

According to D3, nothing specific has lead to her decision. She simply want all her "stuff" under one roof. She has been living the life a nomad...packing and unpacking...constantly. Who can blame her for wanting to live in one place? 

I'm so excited to have her home...all the time!!!

Co-habitation Tears

I like to consider myself a hip, relaxed, and "with it" type of person rather than a fuddy-duddy, middle-aged woman. I'm pretty easy going. No. Scratch that. I am easy going. I go with the flow. I live and let live. I try very hard not to pass judgement on others. Why waste my time? That's not my job. That's God's and I'm very certain he is much better at it than I am.

Plus, such disdain, disgust, distrust, and general all around negativity just takes too much effort. I simply don't have the energy to be judgemental of others. As long as your not hurting me, my husband, or my children, have a good go at it. Knock yourself out.

So, when two adults decide to co-habitate...no sweat off my back. Have I done it myself? No. Would I? No. But, that's me and my decision. If you want to and you're happy with that situation, I'm happy for you.

However, let's turn back the clock to before I was married the first time around. Do I wish I would've lived with my first husband before saying I do? Hell, YES! But, I didn't and fifteen months after meeting him we were married and I moved in. I stood at that alter knowing I was making a huge mistake. It took me ten years to unravel that one. However, today, I can't call it a mistake...that union brought me a beautiful little girl who I could not live without. So, you can see why I'm completely on the fence on this subject.

So, I'm talking about two adults here. Where I have issues and have a hard time from refraining judgement is when two adults decided to co-habitate with their children from previous marriages/relationships.

humanesociety.org

You'll have to excuse me, because we're having a moment in our house right now which stems directly from the aforementioned living arrangement. LB spent the afternoon balling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably at the news that his former "pseudo-step-father" has just turned over his beloved ex-dog to a rescue shelter without timely notification. Why, you ask? The new girlfriend is allergic and gave ex-pseudo-step-father an ultimatum; her or the dog.

She sounds like a peach, doesn't she? (Anyone else besides me see the red flag waving high in the air?)

I had to remind D2 to watch her mouth. I asked she refer to ex-pseudo-step-father as a jerk rather than an a$$#*%@. It's important we hold ourselves to a certain level of decorum around these parts.

We already went through all the break up drama when in 2010 they sold the house they bought together and co-habitated in for almost 5 years. Over a year later, we are still trying to help the kids deal with the fall out of demise of the failed co-habitation. First, we had to help the kids grapple with the loss of  the pseudo-family unit break up, then it was the slow loss of the pseudo-step-brother/sister relationships (I'll be honest- some hurt more than others), then the loss of their house, and now (years later) it's reared it ugly head again with the dog.

Can you feel my frustration? It's the kids, it all about the kids. Must we screw around with their young, little lives, too?

I'll be the first one to tell you divorce sucks. In my head I tried to come up with a more dignified and eloquent way to phrase that sentiment, but there's not. For the kids, I wish my first marriage was successful. For my step-kids, I wish the marriage of their mother and father worked out. The kids deserve that. That is the perfect idealistic life we all strive for. Too bad the idealism is not realism...for the kids. Our kids are great young people who deserve a cohesive family unit.

My heart is filled with sorrow knowing we weren't successful at providing a cohesive family unit for them. So, I do my best by trying to hug LB's tears away. I rub his back, tell him it's okay to cry, and start making phone calls to other family members who might be able to come to our rescue and take the dog. What more can a step-mother do?

I wanted so much to tell the kids that this is why you never co-habitate when kids are involved. However, I think it might be best if I wait for all the tears to dry.