Monday, September 2, 2013

Co-habitation Tears

I like to consider myself a hip, relaxed, and "with it" type of person rather than a fuddy-duddy, middle-aged woman. I'm pretty easy going. No. Scratch that. I am easy going. I go with the flow. I live and let live. I try very hard not to pass judgement on others. Why waste my time? That's not my job. That's God's and I'm very certain he is much better at it than I am.

Plus, such disdain, disgust, distrust, and general all around negativity just takes too much effort. I simply don't have the energy to be judgemental of others. As long as your not hurting me, my husband, or my children, have a good go at it. Knock yourself out.

So, when two adults decide to sweat off my back. Have I done it myself? No. Would I? No. But, that's me and my decision. If you want to and you're happy with that situation, I'm happy for you.

However, let's turn back the clock to before I was married the first time around. Do I wish I would've lived with my first husband before saying I do? Hell, YES! But, I didn't and fifteen months after meeting him we were married and I moved in. I stood at that alter knowing I was making a huge mistake. It took me ten years to unravel that one. However, today, I can't call it a mistake...that union brought me a beautiful little girl who I could not live without. So, you can see why I'm completely on the fence on this subject.

So, I'm talking about two adults here. Where I have issues and have a hard time from refraining judgement is when two adults decided to co-habitate with their children from previous marriages/relationships.
You'll have to excuse me, because we're having a moment in our house right now which stems directly from the aforementioned living arrangement. LB spent the afternoon balling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably at the news that his former "pseudo-step-father" has just turned over his beloved ex-dog to a rescue shelter without timely notification. Why, you ask? The new girlfriend is allergic and gave ex-pseudo-step-father an ultimatum; her or the dog.

She sounds like a peach, doesn't she? (Anyone else besides me see the red flag waving high in the air?)

I had to remind D2 to watch her mouth. I asked she refer to ex-pseudo-step-father as a jerk rather than an a$$#*%@. It's important we hold ourselves to a certain level of decorum around these parts.

We already went through all the break up drama when in 2010 they sold the house they bought together and co-habitated in for almost 5 years. Over a year later, we are still trying to help the kids deal with the fall out of demise of the failed co-habitation. First, we had to help the kids grapple with the loss of  the pseudo-family unit break up, then it was the slow loss of the pseudo-step-brother/sister relationships (I'll be honest- some hurt more than others), then the loss of their house, and now (years later) it's reared it ugly head again with the dog.

Can you feel my frustration? It's the kids, it all about the kids. Must we screw around with their young, little lives, too?

I'll be the first one to tell you divorce sucks. In my head I tried to come up with a more dignified and eloquent way to phrase that sentiment, but there's not. For the kids, I wish my first marriage was successful. For my step-kids, I wish the marriage of their mother and father worked out. The kids deserve that. That is the perfect idealistic life we all strive for. Too bad the idealism is not realism...for the kids. Our kids are great young people who deserve a cohesive family unit.

My heart is filled with sorrow knowing we weren't successful at providing a cohesive family unit for them. So, I do my best by trying to hug LB's tears away. I rub his back, tell him it's okay to cry, and start making phone calls to other family members who might be able to come to our rescue and take the dog. What more can a step-mother do?

I wanted so much to tell the kids that this is why you never co-habitate when kids are involved. However, I think it might be best if I wait for all the tears to dry.

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